I’ve been thinking about this for months. My therapist asked me if I would ever consider rebuilding bridges with old friends. She asked me to consider why things fell apart and what I would say. Sometimes, seeing Facebook memories or posts on some of these people makes me think. So here I go. A letter of sorts.
To my old college friends,
I’m sorry that I burned bridges and cut ties with no explanation. Well, sorry to some of you. I owe you a message or some sort of attempted bridging of the gap. Life just gets in the way sometimes. And life over the last few years has been hectic and insane. But that whole last year of college was… insane and not what I had intended at all.
I didn’t mean to become so isolated. I didn’t mean to cut everyone out but the end was near and there were just too many wounds.
From the shit talking to the misunderstanding in the apartment. To the choosing to spend time anywhere but there. There is blame on both sides for why we are no longer friends. I refuse to take full blame.
I was dealing with what it meant for my mother to have cancer, with graduating college and still not knowing what I was doing with my life, with deteriorating mental health, and with a sick boyfriend who, not even a year later, I would find out was not who I thought he was. It was a lot and I lost myself and no one thought to try and help me. No one.
Although that’s not true, the friends who are still in my life did. And in some cases they knew me even less time than you did. And it’s the absence that has made me realize that I’m happy that we parted ways. I learned a lot about myself in the seemingly mutual burning of our bridges.
No one should have to stay in friendships where they feel like the constant third wheel or where things just grow toxic. I couldn’t do it. And I knew that after a few months of living together that year. It was the worst thing for me.
But I’ve grown and I hope that all of you have as well. So take care of yourselves. Be better, I know I’m trying to.