When it rains, it pours. Doesn’t it?
Although maybe that is being over dramatic. But sometimes we are allowed to be over dramatic. To feel everything there is to feel. To not try to suppress how we’re feeling.
Right now, I’m try to accept feeling everything.
In the last week or so I’ve began my test period of an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication, been broken up with, been sick, and (possible TMI) have had the worst period pains of my life. It’s been hell. All of which has been made worse because until last week, I had finally been feeling like I had my life somewhat together. I had a plan. And then, just like that, it fell a part and I’m left alone picking up the pieces. Pieces that no longer seem to fit together.
So how to you let go and try to move on when you thought you had found your person and that everything was going fine?
Don’t force it. My best friend, who recently was in the exact same place I am now, shared some advice with me. “Let yourself be sad. Let your heart be broken. The more you try to force it to magically be better because you ‘have to’ move on the worse it will be.” Now, I am the type of person who doesn’t like to show her emotions or wear them on my sleeve. I don’t like feeling sad. Or openly cry. I hate it in fact. Yet that’s all I can do right now. But trying to just “be over it” isn’t working and, like she said, is just making things worse.
Of course, at least to me, everything is worse. Before the break up, I thought that everything was fine. For the first time in the relationship, I was starting to think about things long term. It wasn’t just joking about looking at apartments or traveling together I was actually looking at how to make that happen. I was thinking about the next five years. I was making plans. And now all of that has disappeared and I feel alone and lost. More so than I have in years.
Unlike any relationship that I’ve had before, this one was real and I truly loved him. It wasn’t love out of convenience but love of the person and who we were together. That doesn’t just suddenly go away. So how do you let go of that? How do you let go of the person who made you so happy? Who made you feel like the best version of yourself? How do you let go?
Honestly, I don’t know. If you came looking for ways to help let go after a break up, I don’t think I can help with that. This post is mainly for my own good because I’m a writer. A scribbler, as my dad would say. I’ve always needed a place to pour myself into and, for now, that’s my blog. So, if you couldn’t tell already, this is very much a stream of consciousness piece of writing.
But really, how do you let go of someone who had become your everything? And I don’t mean that in a way that makes myself seem completely dependent on him. Just in that he had become the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, while he loved me, he wasn’t in love with me. He didn’t feel the same and it was killing him. And now it’s killing me.
I’ll figure out how to let go but for now, I’m trying to just keep moving forward as best I can. Day by day.