Sometimes things don’t work out. This can especially difficult to deal with when, generally, you had a strong relationship. Or you thought you did. Just because there are a lot of good parts of your relationship doesn’t mean that it can last forever.
I didn’t think I was going to write about this. I really didn’t. At least any time soon. I tend to find being able to write things out makes coping with what happened easier. This is how I’ve always dealt with heartbreak.
I got dumped. Well, actually we broke up. Dumped seems so negative and like there wasn’t anything there. Or that there was anger or hatred. That isn’t how it is for us.
For a little over a year, I had been dating Tim. If you’ve read my blog, you’ve seen him show up in a few posts. Those posts aren’t going to go away, I’m not going to purge him from all of my posts, social media, and all of that. We had always had one issue hanging over us like a cloud about to unleash the rain. We generally had an amazing relationship. Over the course of the year we were together, we became best friends. We were together almost every weekend. We never fought. Sure, there were things we could work on but overall we were happy and had something special.
Through all of it though, we were always dealing with both us being able to be emotionally vulnerable and open. We almost never said “I love you” although our actions would show the words that we didn’t say. I had said it a few times, the first time being an accident of sorts. He just couldn’t say it though. In fact, it wasn’t until the last few days that I had ever heard him say it to me.
We talked through our end that didn’t feel like an end. In fact, it feels like a turning of a chapter or a book that has a sequel. Despite what happened, we both feel like this isn’t the real end. There could still be more to the adventures of Sam and Tim but time will tell.
But now what. There’s only heartbreak left to deal with.
The last time I went through a break up, it was the complete opposite of this. I didn’t cry. There was a ton of anger and resentment. I rebounded fast. I expected that though since so much time had passed between when we had last seen each other and when we broke up. Hell, I saw Tim more in a year than I had seen my ex in the three years we were together. And that is a lot of the difference. Actually, there are a lot of differences. To compare the two is like comparing apples and chocolate (yes, I know that is not how the saying goes but that’s really how different the two are).
I’ve realized I have nothing to compare to with this break up and have no idea how to deal with it. I know I can, I’m just relying on other people more than I usually do. I’m generally very independent and bury things deep, deep down. Now, it feels like I’m empty. I’m alone– even though I know I’m not. Everything hurts. I didn’t feel this last time. And it is so much harder because the ending was so gentle.
We were kind to each other. We were there for each other. There was the movie like scene where we just couldn’t let go of each other. There were sweet, wet kisses as we both cried. It was unexpected, the whole thing. All there is now is time alone to deal with everything and just hope for the best.
I don’t know how to deal with hearbreak. I really don’t. But does anyone? Do people know what to do each time a relationship ends? Are there people who keep a bottle of wine and a pint of ice cream at the ready for when this happens to them? How do you move on when you don’t want to because deep down, you don’t want to.
Time will have to play it’s part now in healing, in whatever form that will take.