Go It Alone

Time to get a little personal.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed my mood being very erratic. I’ve been more anxious than usual. I’ve been dealing with feeling more alone than I have ever felt despite living with my family, seeing friends fairly regularly, and having a caring boyfriend. I’ll go from feeling fine to being deeply upset and not knowing why. Really, it is probably time to head back to my doctor and get things sorted. Back in September, I was deemed to be on the edge of depression. My doctor didn’t want to call it depression and my pediatrician before him always seemed to steer away from any mental health concerns or anything about women’s health– not a great situation for me.

Never getting a straight answer and, if I’m being honest, me really following the “fake it ’til you make it” ideology has lead me to this point where I feel like I’m going through an dealing with my mental health on my own. Which is how I handle a lot of things in life. Not the best way to go through life but you figure out what works for you I guess.

To help with how I’ve been feeling, I find that going on long drives has been helping me clear my thoughts and get in tune with my body’s needs. This weekend I just needed to get away. I hopped in my car with my current favorite playlist and just drove with no destination. I drove and drove until I started seeing those brown signs that denote state parks and other attractions.

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I ended up eventually an hour away from home at Harkness Memorial State Park. This is a property right along the beach with a beautiful mansion overlooking Long Island Sound. The mansion was closed for the season so I decided to just walk along the beach and clear my head for a bit. There were a few teenage girls around, taking pictures of themselves and blocking paths, that made me wish I was there was someone. I knew that I needed some alone time though.

I walked along the paths of the property and even along the beach for a little while until the biting cold got the best of me and forced me to return to my car. I wasn’t super prepared for my state park adventure and only had the winter hat I always keep in my car with me. Oops.

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On my drive back home, I realized just how much this long drive and walk had helped. I know that I always feel better once I get some fresh air and some sun. Plus just getting to sing whatever songs come on in this crazy mix of a playlist was fun for me.

When I got home, I felt refreshed and a bit more in control of my mind than I had in a few weeks. I needed that alone time where I wasn’t worried about answering texts and emails. I needed some time to just breathe and reflect.

Like I said I learned in a post a few months ago, sometimes you need to go it alone and there is nothing wrong with that. Just remember to get help when you need it. And that’s a reminder for me and for anyone who may be in the same spot as me.

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